Oops

I guess the grass really only seems greener on the other side. For a while, I've had ideas of breaking free and finding my salvation in that thing just over the horizon. Well, over the past bit, I've put that idea to the test and tried completely cutting myself from my old activities and moving over that hill.

It didn't pan out as well as I had originally thought it would, to put it lightly. It's not to say that the new things I immersed myself in weren't different and appreciated but I guess it was a little naive of me to think that the entirety of my angst and what I thought was missing would be sated in one fell swoop. Other things may provide in one previously missing aspect but may be lacking in another. And I guess I forgot that I am not a unifaceted person.

I am now here, in this strange limbo. It was a bad strategy, truly. But here I am, in this weird place. I guess this just shows that I have no idea what I'm doing and that I probably am still no closer to figuring that out. But, yes, I was wrong; it was a bad idea.

Guess.. I'll.. just continue in mundanity (and savour it, of course) until the next great revolutionary idea comes along.

Changing flavours

Music has always been something that's gotten me through the day. I don't know if that's just a commonality among all people but, regardless of whether that's the case, it's still something that I greatly appreciate having such ready access to.

Music is definitely a release for me. It gives me an avenue to express whatever emotions that may be floating inside. Angel by Sarah McLachlan helps for those long days (links to the songs if you're interested). Yearning by The Trews for those times of nothingness. We're In This Together Now by Nine Inch Nails to excise frustration. And, of course, If It Feels Good Do It by Sloan for some energy. And the list continues.

Well, lately, upbeat stuff's been turning up on my playlist a bit more than before; the frustration and exhaustion a little less. Ha, maybe this is a good thing...

Oh by the way, check out the John Lennon by Arkells.

New layout

Well, there's a substantially different layout if you've ever come here before March. I guess this blog has changed from what I had originally intended back in the day. Originally, it was supposed to be this hilarious anti-blog that had, instead of serious posts in which I would reveal the deepest darkest crevaces of my inner being, I'd just put random bits (mostly pictures at the time). Well, at any rate, that's no longer the case.. and this blog has really become somewhere where I do post serious things now and then. Truthfully, I'm pretty sure only a couple of people read this thing ..but (pssh) I don't do it for them.


"..under the sun" is a reference to Ecclesiastes. I often find myself going back to that book time and time again. The title is to, in part, describe the content of the posts. While I wouldn't call these posts trivial ramblings of mundanity, I also wouldn't call them life-altering revelation. They're somewhere in between.. significant but not too much.

A Serious Man

Have you seen it? If not, I really do recommend it. But I gotta warn you, this post will probably ruin it. Still readin'? Alright, here we go..

So the film centers on the life of this man whose life is just all going wrong (professionally, maritally, etc.). The film itself was inspired by the life of Job. So as these things are happening, the protagonist goes through the motions of dealing with all this stuff and in the process he visits this one rabbi. The conversation they had went like this..

Rabbi Nachtner: These questions that are bothering you, Larry. Maybe they're like a toothache. You feel them for a while then they go away.

Larry: I don't want it to just go away. I want an answer.

Rabbi Nachtner: Sure, we all want the answer. Hashem doesn't owe us the answer, Larry. Hashem doesn't owe us anything. The obligation runs the other way.

Larry: Why does he make us feel the questions if he's not going to give us the answers?

Rabbi Nachtner: He hasn't told me.

It's not that I myself am going through professional or marital difficulties but when I do hit those rough spots, I just don't really know how I should respond. I guess I'm starting to be able to deal with them better nowadays but the film itself still stood out to me. But, there is more. That actually isn't even the part that stood the most out to me.

So, finally someone in the film breaks down, but it's not the protagonist. It's actually his brother, whom is seen throughout the movie. He's clearly going through things of his own but the film doesn't really focus on his character or struggles all too much. It's meaningful because all this time I found myself empathizing with the main character all the while neglecting someone who, in all fairness, probably had it a lot worse in general than the protagonist. I mean looking at my own life, God has really blessed me abundantly. Maybe, then, I dwell on myself a little too much and forget to see the others around me. I mean, sure, maybe there are imperfections in my own life but, relatively, my life is going wonderfully. Should these little things really distract me so much? There are so many other things in this world that should cause outrage than some of the more mundane matters of daily life.

Well, though I suppose these things aren't totally novel ideas, it was a nice reminder. A reminder that rough spots are an inevitability of the human condition. I don't know why. Really, probably no one does. No one in that film knew, not even the guy who wrote Ecclesiastes gives any definite answer (and that guy's canon..).

..but just for a little

Well, lo and behold, my spirit has arisen like a phoenix from the ashes. And doesn't it always..

I guess I should just accept these things. These aspects of life. Looking back (a couple days later), as real as those feelings were, as real as they always are, they now seem both petty and mundane. It happens from time to time and perhaps they are inescapable. But I'm glad that I have such great turnaround time for these bouts of nihil, around two or so days.

Well, I guess I'll set my sights once again back to higher heights ..like schoolwork (isn't it great to have consistency in life).

it's quiet..

I've been working like a dog ever since this semester started. Between that project course rearing its ugly head and the part-time job parasitizing my time, I've been going to school right at 8:30 and getting home after 9 consistently almost everyday. And, it's totally fine. All this busyness is ok: I'm working towards something, pushing my limits in the hopes that it will help me somehow in the obscure future.

Today, however, I found myself taking it substantially easier than most. Chose not to wake up on time so I got the lounge around 'til 11 at home. Got downtown, intended to work, but only to have a gigantic line-up for the computers. Well, didn't wanna wait so I just left. But as I was stopped at the light, thinking of where the closest public computer was, I bumped into someone familiar.

"Screw it, I never bump into this guy and I have to go soon anyway."

So we just hung out for a bit. The night before someone whom I hadn't spoken with for a long time wanted to have lunch so we had just arranged for the next day since we were both free. So, got to catch up with him. Super.

Well after that, I just went to class til 7 and did some work at the library 'til 9, as usual. But, now, I sit here and it's.. ever so quiet. I know that when I arise tomorrow, I will be "on" for the whole day again. But, this present silence unnerves me ever so slightly (terribly). I don't want that cursed void to come back. But, I fear that despite whatever thrashing or clawing I may attempt, I will be dragged back into that darkness where I will cower, where I will be forced to come once again and confront those futile questions, those damned futile contentions with existence.

..and it malingers.

Maybe this is why I'm ok with being busy all the time.